BlogXilla For Sexual Intellectuals - Latest Comments in Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

p-lo — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:52:23 -0000

::wipes one tear away::
I love this posttt!!
i agree with you 1000%.ppl sometimes jumps into a relationship just because, just to be happy for now, or because the person lives somewhere else and they get to visit that spot (damn shame but it happens) or just so they can telll their friends and show off to others. Now they have someone that is all that in their life-bull shyt!!
funny thing is they're so easy to say "i love you, and i'm in love with you" within weeks-bull shytt too!!
but within months or a year later they can't take it anymore, can't be a woman and be serious, can't be strong enough (lames) meanwhile they made the person thinks it's all about them when it's not and just fucks with their heart....I am single and planing on staying that way...I am happy now and improving my life, my self, my being, well being, progressing, trying to achieve my goal, I put myself first now..and if i ever get into a relationship again I know I have learned and I would make sure the person's worth my precious time, and have to proved their love for me!!

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Roxychic — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:15:42 -0000

I've been told everything from "there's absolutely nothing wrong with you..", "you're the perfect wifey" etc etc. But I'm in college. and that means I'm not necessarily dealing with the WISEst of the bunch. so they say whatever they want. but I have that confidence to know that already :) I'm a willing individual. i feel that covers alot of things from trust to lovemaking etc. I feel it's important that we are willing to GROW together. bc like you, that's what I'm about. Ultimately its working towards Gods design for each others lives as a TEAM. I don't have an issue with kids. I used to, but I don't. many young men are younger than 25 with kids, i had a 3 hr conversation with one the other night. his personal feelings are that its unfair he won't recieve a second look once they find out. he's very smart,attractive, charasmatic and sweet with alot to offer someone. so i won't hold kids against anyone.
how many people can count how many lovers they have had who has made it their personal mission to be held accountable for their partners happiness? its rough maintaining YOUR OWN. I have devotion. I'm a very caring person by nature,to a fault as cliche as that sounds. I want to grow into a relationship where there's understanding and appreciation that we both have the security and confidence in ourselves to form a union,taking eachother AS IS. I know its important to recognize each others strength and weaknesses. so we fill in where each other comes short. just make each other better.
on a side note, I look at Will and Jada as a nice model. they seem like such a TEAM, lol each wanting no less than the world. so they take it on together.

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Haniplease — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 00:22:15 -0000

its the least i could do lol u done changt[yes i made up that word, since head gets to make up words hehehe ;D] my whole view on the chi, men here, etc.... lol i owed u 1!

don't over think it though. sometimes we can just want soooo much that we over do it....i don't think u would tho since ur going to be kinda far, but still....

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Haniplease — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 00:13:39 -0000

u know that comes complete with a hand pushed out[like talk to the hand] and salute and erthang! i am the silliest most animated blogee u'll meet! ;D

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ant_from_Chi — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:36:25 -0000

Thank you sistas for your comments. Trust me I will pay heed. I already decided though that I was not going tobe moving fast. There's no reason to. I would rather take a long deep look at her and at myself before I make any commitments. I appreciate yall looking out.

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

HeadMistress — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:26:00 -0000

@ Ant - thoney is soooo right

some of the strongest, long lasting, realest (yes I said "realest", b/c sometimes you just gotta make up a word...LOL) relationships come when you least expect it, when you're not looking...and being content and happy with yourself and your life now is perfect timing b/c then you have what it takes to "not make" but "share" in the contentment and happiness that hopefully she is experiencing in her life at this same moment...

it's exciting but don't overthink it, let whatever is gonna happen, happen...naturally

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

HeadMistress — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:59:20 -0000

ROFLMAOOL, yo you kill me with that capn crazy shyt!

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Haniplease — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:12:47 -0000

WELL SAID! i couldn't agree more. i would hope that a man's child come's first, and i want to be first in his life, same with MY kid! UH!

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ness — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 12:51:14 -0000

WOW!!! Tht's crzy!!! No wonder he was set up on a blind date.

But I would've done the same thing b/c who gives a sh*t on the first date. And then he tried to call YOU a gold digger just b/c he has 2 kids?! WTF!

Some ppl need to get their mind right and their sh*t together...lol

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ess — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 12:27:53 -0000

Its not selfish, how is it selfish for someone to want exactly what they can give?
Tell me how can a man with a previous child give his new lady his ALL with a child or children from a past situation? He cant. Cuz he is giving some to his child and her mother of that child. Or Id hope that he is.

Actually a female who would accept that when she doesnt have the same situation would be accepting less and that love that she would be getting from that man would be conditional.
It would be under the conditions of, yes I love you and you are important to me. But the needs for my child comes first. Which is totally understandable and respectable.

Now as a female who doesnt have children, it would be MY choice to be involved with something like that and if I choose not to. Im far from selfish. I just know how important a man can be in my life and want the same in return.. w/o those conditions of being put to the side for a man's child.

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Haniplease — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:52:42 -0000

see what happens Ant. i didn't pursue someone i should have and i really wish i would have. he's engaged to someone dangerously similiar to me and now i'm left wondering what if....

sex complicates things. u being the firecracker that u are, might need to let things simmer. don't be in a rush. its no coincidence that you randomly ran into her....i'm weird in that i believe God or the universe makes things happen at exactly the right time. i feel that being on the road will lead to learning and longing and really developing a DEEPER connection u know?

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Haniplease — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:44:17 -0000

hi5 head and ness. i think i'd be more understanding if i didn't have to deal with the ramble! i'm an evil ass and after one guy went on and on and on and on and BLEEPIN ON, i cursed him out at the table and left the restaurant. i was set up on a blind date all he could talk about was how greedy his bm was and i look like i'm a gold digger, and if i'm looking for $ he ain' got it.....i'm like "whoa there capn crazy we just met! u f'd her and made two not one but TWO mafackin KIDS! shut up talkin bad about her! i don't wanna hear that bullish! DAYUM!" i threw a $20 on the table and bounced!
the same can be said for people that are newly divorced people...all they talk about is the divorce...its not that i'm not caring, but those subjects should be saved for after ur at least humpin!

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Haniplease — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:34:15 -0000

its not selfish at all! if i've managed to use bc and hit the chop shop when it failed, why can't i expect the same from a mate? i love kids and they love me....its the bowl movements, i mean baby mamas that ruin ish. you admitted that u hit ur bm to avoid drama. many men do that. AIDS is too real for me to knowingly share my d-i with someone that doesn't consistently use condoms. simply put, i'm fuckin her and u and not even enjoying it... 'P

i'm not trying to jug u, but see the otherside. a friend of mines is in love with me, and thinks i'm selfish because i won't give him a chance.[that's a going theme with bd's] he comes bundled with a no good shit of a bm and a 7yrold son...no matter what u SAY, you've experienced birth b4, you are attached to another woman for at least 40yrs! i[and those like me] are not being selfish for not wanting to deal with ur bm or raise ur kid! i want my baby to be special and feel like he was a conscious choice between two loving parents. if he's one of many the experience is undoubtedly cheapened.....

sorry for the rant, but u really igged me...

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ant_from_Chi — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:05:54 -0000

It's funny you bring this up because I have been reflecting on this since I've been single. It's also funny because I recently met a young lady that I have found myself to be very interested in. First of all we met briefly at a party in January and I thought she was physically appealing, but that's because I only met briefly so that's all I had to go on. Then, through a completely different set of friends, I met her again last week and we basically spent the rest of the week together at various times of the day.

Anyway, I'm really felling her and it 's got me wondering what I really want and can bring to a relationship. Deeper still, do I want to bring it now because i am really digging my life as it is right now. I'm single, no kids, educated (SOHK), I travel for work (including internationally), I'm tall, dark, AND handsome and I think I'm a pretty good lay. I'm a gentleman, yet i'm still real rough around the edges. I could be a nice little package for the right lady.

I know what I want from my life and I know what I want from the woman in my life. I want her to be strong, intelligent, interesting and interested. I want her to have dreams, set goals, know how to be a partner, is sexy and beautiful, in my eyes. Hopefully she will have no kids and not want any. Is respectful, kind and got a little bit of evil bitch in her. (I can be a handful sometimes, a weak bitch would get crushed). This is a long list and does not have to, of course, be all inclusive, Yall get what I mean. Nobody is perfect!!!

I always say that i'm not looking for a woman, but if one happens to find me, imma let it do what it do. I'm not afraid to be in a relationship. Actually I enjoy it because it gives me an opportunity to think outside of myself. I dig the closeness and all of that. Most cats do whether they say so or not. Like I said in the beginning of this rant, I'm feeling this chick so far. I got a good nose for people and I can feel the real ones almost immediately and in all the places that matter. Head, heart, loins, some of yall know what I mean. Plus with the crazy second chance meeting after almost a year, I feel compelled to see what other mysteries are there to discover. I'm out of town right now so I won't see her again until Saturday. We're going to see Anita Baker and then to our mutual friends (She knows my friends wife) bday party. I'm glad for the break so that I can have a chance to let this soak in and so can she. For the record, we have not been physical with each other and I told her that I wasn't in any rush to get there. I want to look for a while and see what's really going on. Is there really a connection, am I really sure I want to go there? Is she?

Damn, look at me going on and on.

Peace yall

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

HappyToBeNappy — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 09:08:41 -0000

I for one don't care if a man has kids, I never did. What I do care about it is how he treats them & their mother. Not every guy with kids is just some no good baby daddy. Sometimes a relationship just doesn't work out, but that doesn't mean the guy isn't a great father. I'm concerned about who he is . . for real. How does he treat his mother & the rest of his family? Is he educated, employed (and if not is there a good reason why). How many jobs has he had in the past year (i can't stand a man that jumps from job to job).

Myself, as far as what I bring to the table. I bring myself. . .an independent strong woman. Someone who is not looking for a man to take care of her, I can do that by myself. I'm not looking for someone to play daddy to my son, he already has one. I bring my heart, my desire, my drive & my ambition. I bring my willingness to support my man in everything he does, my desire to be his all. I also bring the ability to see the best in someone without ignoring the worst..

I doubt I'll find someone, at least not now. I have to learn to let go of my past first. I will never truly trust a man until I can do that. So for the time being, it'll be me all by my lonely!

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ant_from_Chi — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 08:34:11 -0000

Xilla, I'm starting to think we brothers from other mothers. Sometimes the shit you blog hits me right in the head. I gotta get to the slave for a few, but I will speak to this later. Keep it classy bro'

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ness — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 00:56:12 -0000

Lol...well at least ur mindful about it.

Sometimes, ppl think that b/c ur there that u want to hear about it all the damn time. I don't mine being your 'rock' here and there but dayum!! Can u shut the hell up about ur BM b/c u can call her all the bytches and hoes u want but tht doesn't change the fact tht u slept w/ her and had a baby by her! lol.

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

HeadMistress — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 00:26:52 -0000

Girl, you ain't lyin about that ramblin shyt!

I make it a point not to talk about my BD, just for the simple fact that's it's mostly negative, not to say you can't open up about your problems with that special someone sometimes but you just gotta be mindful...

that's along the same line as talkin about the relationship problems you had with your ex...don' nobody wanna hear that shyt...LOL

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ness — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 00:16:13 -0000

Thnx HeadMistress :)

As u said, it's easier for someone w/ a child(ren) to date someone with a child(ren) b/c there's a little more understanding there. And we can all use an understanding person :)

And tht's the point I was trying to make w/ppl who don't have kids. :) I just ran off at the 'keyboard' lol.

I don't want to ppl to thnk that my msg is tht ppl w/ kids aren"t good 2 b with b/c I don't feel like that. I've dated guys w/ kids & it was 'okay' but I've also dated guys w/o and it was NICE!

Sometimes, guys w/ kids don't realize all the rambling tht they do about their children or their BM's or their finances etc. It's almost like second nature to them. And tht kinda takes away from wht we could be doing lol

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

HeadMistress — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 23:02:56 -0000

Yep, cause the potential of 17% pre-tax deductions multipled by two or three different BM's is enough to make any n*gga feel unexcited about an impending birth...LOL

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

HeadMistress — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:55:46 -0000

Well stated Ness!

and the truth is you can have preferences all day long and if the right man comes along they could all go out the window, but in the meantime each woman/person knows what they like and want and you have the right to insist on that until such time that something "really worth it" changes your mind...or not

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

HeadMistress — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:30:18 -0000

I want, not looking, cause when you "look" you "overlook", a man who first and foremost has the desire and ability to be a TRUE friend as well as the desire & ability to love unconditionally...my contribution is the same, although I do have trust issues as well, my intuition and ability to determine a persons real motives is frighteningly on point...I only let "in" those that deserve to be "in"

I believe when you have unconditional love and true friendship you can work through anything, even "trash sex" LOL! Not that its easy to do but the foundation to build on is there...think about the people you TRULY love (friends/fam) and what you wouldn't do for them, the person you choose to share your life with and make a new family with should receive nothing less, but it'll never happen if you don't have unconditional love

@ Ness & Ess (awww that rhymes) you're definitley not selfish on the "kids" topic, we kinda touched on this on PCL a few weeks ago, but speaking as a person with a kid its easier for me to deal with someone who has a child(ren), because if the babysitter cancels at the last minute, they understand - they've been there too, depending on the level of the relationship you may switch up and do something family-style for that date and it's no problem OR if you gotta "wait" til the kids are asleep ;-D actually that's more like :-( (LOL) they understand that too...

As women who don't have kids yet you have an absolute right to that "preference" and to not have to deal with those issues and there's nothing unreasonable about that at all

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ness — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:45:02 -0000

I agree w/ ur P.O.V, h/e my desire to want to be w/ someone who doesn't have a kid is on the same level of ppl who wait until marriage to have sex.

It's a personal preference.

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ms.310 — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:39:06 -0000

I agree, if a man is taking care of things the way he should (meaning he is honest with you and his baby momma that he has moved on) then all of this baby momma drama is not an issue. I am in a relationship with a man who is also a father and we have never had issues, I have been with men in the past and had baby mommas acting a fool but when that happens you have to question what is he telling her to make her act that way?

Also to say that having a child with a man that is already a father is ridiculous! So women who already have a kid don't get excited when they get pregnant with baby number 2 or 3?

Bottom line you have to look at case by case- if the man is being upfront with you and being a good daddy to his child it should not be held against him just because things didn't work out with the mother. I have been uncomfortable with the idea of being a step mom before I give birth to my own, but if he makes me happy I don't see a problem.

Re: Be A Better Lover: What Do You Bring To A Relationship

Ness — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:37:43 -0000

Women don't put 'conditions' on love. Men come with 'conditions'.
It's not fair to say tht women are selfish if they wish to be w/ a man who doesn't have any other obligations.

Women who deal w/ a man that has kids, has to put her NEEDS on the back burner for the man that she loves. B/c his kid(s) will always come first. So she has to deal w/ his kid(s), his baby mama(s), his financial woes, and his living situations involving his kid(s) or his baby mama(s).

Kid(s) don't have 2 like who daddy is dating and they'll show it. If the BM pisses ur BF off, then it's the female (us) who have to catch the backlash.

When dealing w/ someone who has no kids, u have time to get to be exclusive to one another w/o having other things like kid(s) and BM's come into play.