BlogXilla For Sexual Intellectuals - Latest Comments in “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Miss_P — Fri, 08 May 2009 11:06:52 -0000

Me and my 3 sibs on my mother's side all have different fathers. My father lived 2 blocks away until I was 18 and moved away from home. I am his oldest daughter, and he has 10 other children. He played, and still does, a major role in their life, but never mine. My 8th grade graduation he swore he was coming, but never showed. I aksed them both why he wasnt around before, and she said he didnt want to be; he said she didnt want him to be. My mother died last year, and it was the first time I ever got my father's cell number, even though he could have gotten mine from anyone. Even now, with him being my last surviving parent, I rarely get actual phone calls, just forwarded texts, and any real convo has to be initiated by me. I used to be really hurt that he was never there, and considered him just a sperm donor. I was extremely hurt when I found out my older brother is not actually his son, but he raised him as his own and was there for him when he was never there for me, his actual first born. I have never confronted him about that, and I dont think I ever will. Since he is the only parent I have left, I have made an effort to forgive him, but the damage has already been done. And even though she said some negative things about him from time to time, I never really let them bother me. I just wanted the opportunity to form my own opinion about him, but I never got that chance

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Blacksand — Fri, 08 May 2009 10:03:21 -0000

Yeah, do what you do Hazysin!!

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

The Don — Fri, 08 May 2009 08:50:06 -0000

I know its messed up to say but most guys that i know that have mulitple childern through several differnt baby moms are genrally irresponisble and immature in both life and with there sexual practices. This applies to females to i think any one can accidently have the first child but DAMN when you go into child number 2 and 3 from differnt babies daddies i cant get with that there are to many forms of contraceptive to get pregnant now adays

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

ill28 — Thu, 07 May 2009 21:57:26 -0000

Love the blog 'Xilla, always surf, never commented before. Great points Mo'! I'm a 27 year old female, raised without my father and luckily I wasn't raised by a scorned black woman! Dude lived in the same city, saw him once a year, if that. However, my mother never disrespected him and even tried to cover for him sometimes just so she wouldn't hurt us. I have to say, this helped tremendously. My sister nor I was raised seeking love in other places and looking for father figures. We grew up to be independent women who know how to take care of our business and always have protected sex b/c we understood shit does happen and the woman is the one will have to take care of the house. I hate when I hear my girlfriends talk negatively to their children about the baby's father, kids don't need to hear that shit. Yes, I believe in being honest with children so they understand the real. But at the same time, save all the other shit "he ran off with so and so" "call him and ask why he not here with his family". Hell no, that's not right

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Lili — Thu, 07 May 2009 21:32:48 -0000

Aw thanks girl! You gave us a wonderful topic to discuss!

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

mimi — Thu, 07 May 2009 20:16:09 -0000

Because it is still affects the way some mothers chose to parent.`Besides,not talking about it can sometimes make it seem as it is OK. If it were that obvious then it wouldn't happen.

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

HeadMistress — Thu, 07 May 2009 18:21:28 -0000

Excellent point - nothing better than taking a less than optimal life experience and recognizing what "should be"

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

nynikki — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:32:44 -0000

Lady Jei, you are def. one-up in this situation, having seen what a good marriage and a good man looks like (while my mom and dad were married, it didn't last long and she def. feels like she picked the wrong one, but she tried). The point: I think it's interesting that our very different experiences leads us to the same conclusion to wait for marriage to start a family. You know there's a good man out there for you and I can only hope there's one for me too, ya dig?

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

nynikki — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:12:48 -0000

Just a thumbs-up to HeadMistress. Your story sounds so much like my mother's. I know how hurt my mother must have been to see me fall all over my do-nothing father, but she always held her tongue and checked other family members. She understood it would hurt me and my relationship with her/her side of the fam. Plus, like you, she always knew I would see him for what he was on my own. (Mo, thanks for the great blog piece!)

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

HeadMistress — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:01:26 -0000

It's like little arrows to the heart :-( but it takes something special to put it in perspective and know that loving his father means loving himself ultimately, what's best is YOU were there to see the eyes light up no matter the cause

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

MarvelousMo — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:35:20 -0000

@ kingsmomma

Here's the thing: this blog post wasn't intended to dive into scientific/psychosocial studies on how a child feels in a household of a single parent home. This blog post also wasn't intended to focus on (another) rant about dead beat fathers. That's what 20/20, Diane Sawyer and Oprah is for.

The focus of this blog was to focus on a person's experiences , in both child and adult phases of life, a parent communicating to their child about a missing parent. In most cases, the mother is the sole caregiver of these children. They are the one half of the party responsibility as to why their children exists in the first place. In a situation where most kids only have their mother to ask, "where is daddy?" or "how come my daddy doesn't want me?" that's is what is most common.

I understand that it's terribly wrong for a man to walk out on his family, but that's like beating a dead horse. We all know it's wrong. Whenever someone discusses aspects like this, it's as if the scapegoat to the topic is "dead beat dad." Enough is enough of that story, let's discuss the happenings of a child when they experience communication with their mother about thier deadbeat! lol

But, I am sure Diane Sawyer, Barbra Walters and the 20/20 staff would enjoy doing a story on dead beat dads. Best of luck with that!

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Soulyn — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:33:58 -0000

Mo, thank you.
If and when I have a child, I truly want to develop a healthy relationship with him or her. Communication is def. key. Thanks for posting today Mo.

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

HeadMistress — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:29:28 -0000

Thanx - it was not at all easy...but it just never made sense to me - it's like discussing how we're gonna pay the rent or which nursing home will provide granny the best care - wtf does a child know about any of that?

Then one day she got off the phone with him and she had an attitude with ME because her father told her that I was mad at him o_O (I wasn't really, he was mad & lashing out cause I didn't want to get back together)

So I went outside and called him back and let him know despite the amount of ammo that I have on him and his twisted life I have never bad mouthed him but I did threaten him with "change" and let him know if he wants to bring her into disagreements between us we can both play that game and see who wins- I was bluffing but he got the message

It really floored me tho - she was about 6 years old and she hadn't even seen or spoken to him six times in her whole life at that point but she was "on his side" :,(

It hurt like hell, I was like after all the trips to the park, all the bedtime stories, all the giggles and smiles, all the needs met, all the sacrifices made this mofo gets her emotion but it showed me I have to remain above it...imagine her reaction to me if I had bad mouthed him

Mothering/Parenting is hard and sometimes a thankless job but it's an investment and I'm now reaping what's equivalent to Madoff's fortune and he's getting welfare checks :-D

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

MarvelousMo — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:15:32 -0000

@ Belly

How is this off topic? Did you read the part where I shared my family secret? Your cousin & were in the same boat.

"what makes me mad about it is how can my aunt and uncle keep something so important away from him like that?" I ask that question to myself often. I found out as a teenager where marriage, children, adulthood wasn't on my mind. Only college acceptance letters, SATs, having a boyfriend were important.

There are two things your cousin will do:
1) be angry and possibly not forgive someone out of the life long secret/lies
2) still feel a way about the way things were kept, but understand that it was done in the best interest of his life.

When i was 15/16, I was #2. When i got older and had to face adult situations like thoughts of marriage, career, relationships, baby showers, I ended up being #1. I wish your family luck.

Thank you!

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

kingsmomma — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:12:36 -0000

I think society is anti- Baby mother. People are quick to point out the statistics stating out of wedlock births are on the rise and then in the same sentence degrade and chastize the women who are taking care of thier children with very little, sponataneous or no help from the child's father. I definitely think it's wrong for any parent, to speak ill of the other parent to or around the child. There is no excuse for that because it compounds the pain the child is already feeling due to the absence of their father.

I think your post falls short on the target of addressing how the child feels in a one parent home. I have been nothing but positive in my dealings with my son's father so that I can create an environment conducive of a great father son relationship therefore this article isn't addressing me particularly but my son is still growing up without his father. The article comes off as yet another hit against "baby mamas"

I just can't ever ignore the fact that single mothers whether they are guilty of the above actions or not are rasing thier children without the men who helped create them. So while we're addressing the negative behaviors of these women, we ought to at least mention the men who have disregarded thier parental responsibilties.

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

MarvelousMo — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:09:47 -0000

@ Blacksand

Hello Blacksand. Thank you. :-)

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

MarvelousMo — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:08:56 -0000

@ Soulyn

I'm glad I was able to encourage you to share your experience on BlogXilla.com.

So many people have mommy and daddy issues and don't have a place to turn to as a reference point. I feel for your experience. All i suggest you do, and this will be very difficult, is to not repeat what your parents have done to you to your children. Now some people may take advice like that and assume I'm referring to the dead beat aspect. No, not just that. How about do the total opposite of what you experienced.

Your father didn't communicate with you, well you make sure you are communicating with your children when you have them (listening to them is the key.) Your father was condescending to you when he spoke to you? You make sure that your kids respect you and, more importantly, you respect THEM. Catch my drift? I speak in experience in having an unhappy teenage life coming up because of those two main things alone.

Thanks again for sharing. :-)

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Soulyn — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:06:26 -0000

*sigh* Thanks Headmistress.
Thinking about plan B hard, cuz my dad is not an easy person to talk to. I was over his house lastnight doing his hair and our energy was all off. Made me realize I need to release these thoughts/feelings I'm currently carrying.

From my personal experience, when children are constantly scolded about school or anything in general and not praised for anything, that tends to put a damper on their self esteem.

HeadMistress, glad you are able to listen and understand where your daugher is coming from.

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

MarvelousMo — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:01:51 -0000

@ Lili

!!!!! What can I say to follow this comment? So many valid points!

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

MarvelousMo — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:52:41 -0000

@ HeadMistress

Now this is something people should read. I applaud you for not bashing him even though you know he's full of crap. As a woman, you should keep in mind that your child will soon become an adult and will analyze their childhood to figure out how to solve certain issues. The more you're there for her during these times, the more she'll learn how to handle personal relationships as an adult. And that can be a headache! lol

Love this comment!

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Belly — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:49:48 -0000

my comment is on, but at the same time off subject.

recently i just found out that my cousin that i grew up with and who is currently my business partner, was Adopted! i mean i still treat him as blood and nothing has changed, the problem is He doesnt know. and its crazy because I found out on accident.. what makes me mad about it is how can my aunt and uncle keep something so important away from him like that?

Anywho.. good post Ms Mo..

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

Cory Sparks — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:38:54 -0000

GOOD POST MO...

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

hazysin — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:36:51 -0000

@ BLACK.....no apologies necessary, i developed into a successful, supportive woman.

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

hazysin — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:31:48 -0000

i agree with you 100 percent. I used to get jealous because my son's father could do the bare minimum and every time his name was mentioned my man's eyes would light up......now, my eyes light up when i think about my son father because we have really grown over the past few years and all it took was patience and communication

Re: “Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues

MarvelousMo — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:30:45 -0000

@ mimi

I despise men who leave their children behind to never look back. It bugs me to pieces, but then how many intellectuals, mothers, preachers, presidents, and relatives have expressed that same thought? Opinions on that are saturated and another rain droplet in a bucket of water.

We are all intelligent people who derive from an array of backgrounds. We know that leaving a child like that is horrible. Why state the obvious?